MATT ABRAHAMS: Small talk, I
think, is actually a misnomer. We refer to small talk as any
chit-chat or just conversation that we don't put
a lot of import on. When, in fact, small talk is
a wonderful way of connecting, bonding, learning, growing. And what makes it so
challenging is the fact that we can't have a script. We have to just go with what's
happening in the moment. We often think that
it is a test for us. It's like a tennis match, where
I've got to lob something over to the person or
people I'm talking to, and I hope it lands
and goes well. I think a better way
to look at small talk is like that game
of hacky sack-- that little beanbag
where everybody is trying to keep it up all
at the same time and never have it
hit the ground. If you envision your job as
collaborating with others to keep the conversation moving
rather than a hot potato tennis match, where I just need to get
it back to the other person, it can really change,
one, how it flows, and two, the experience
from your perspective. All of a sudden, it's
something that's enjoyable rather than something
that's scary. When you first get into
a small talk situation, I think we need to
establish appropriate goals. Rachel Greenwald, a
matchmaker and an academic, has this wonderful saying. Your goal is to be
interested, not interesting. A lot of us go into
these situations thinking that we need to
be really fascinating, engaging, and interesting,
when, in fact, we just need to be present and be
interested in the conversation that's happening. It also helps reduce the
anxiety many of us feel. We feel like we
are being judged. And the reality is
you are being judged. You can reduce the
intensity of that spotlight we feel by putting your
attention on the other. Many of us have
this desire as soon as something spontaneous
happens and we have to respond to do it
as quickly as possible. We have this sense that
speed to respond in somehow is associated with competence. But really, what reflects
best on your competence is an appropriate response. And appropriateness can
take a little bit of time. We have all said
something we didn't mean to say because
it wasn't clear, or it wasn't appropriate. Pausing helps reduce
that likelihood. So here are some things you can
do to help slow yourself down. Paraphrasing is wonderful. Why? Not just because
you are repeating the gist of what somebody
said to make sure you're clearly going to
respond to what's asked or what's needed,
but paraphrasing forces you to slow down
and listen more carefully. Paraphrase isn't what a
five-year-old does who parrots back what you've said. It's a distillation of
what the other person said. And when you paraphrase
it, you do several things. One, you validate the other
person because you're saying I heard you. You're not necessarily agreeing. Paraphrasing doesn't
mean agreement. It just means this
is what I heard. And it validates the content. So you validate the person,
but the content-- the person can say, no, no, no, no. What I really meant was this. So it helps with fidelity. Most of us listen just enough to
get the gist of what somebody's saying, and then we immediately
start judging, rehearsing, and responding. When I paraphrase, I have
to listen super intently. I have to listen to understand
what's the bottom line of what you're saying? That slows me down. And by slowing my own thoughts
down and then paraphrasing them, I buy myself some
time to really think. There's always something to say. You can always ask a question. My mother-in-law was
amazing at small talk. She had a black
belt in small talk. And her superpower
was a simple phrase. She would pause for a
moment, and she would say, tell me more. If you are ever in a
situation, a communication, conversation where you
don't know what to say, most of the time you could
simply say, tell me more, or give me some more
detail, or what did you mean about that point? And just by giving the person
an opportunity to speak again, that gives you time to
find what you might want to say and to connect to it. CREW: Tell me more. When you say, tell me more
have to act inquisitively. If you just say, tell
me more, it's not-- but if you say tell me-- yeah. Tell me more. Tell me more about that. Yeah. Mistakes are normal and
natural in communication. We make them all the time. Spontaneous
communication is about connection, not perfection. You know, in film and TV,
directors will ask their actors to have multiple takes. A take is just another shot
at doing the same thing. So an actor might say something
in one way very passionately, or they might say it
in another way more-- being more curious. Those are all different takes. So I'd like people to reframe
a mistake as a missed take. What you did wasn't wrong. There might be another way to
do it, and we can try it again. Many of us, when we
feel very uncomfortable in spontaneous speaking
situations, we go on too long. We're discovering what we're
thinking as we're thinking it. So we just take people on the
journey of our thought process as we're speaking, and we
keep going on and on and on. It's almost a
defensive technique, where if I just throw
out a lot of stuff, that maybe something will
stick and people will think, oh, that person's
smart or they know what they're talking about. Concision is almost always
better in communication. My mother has this
wonderful saying. I know she didn't create it,
but it's tell me the time, don't build me the clock. Many of us are clock-builders
in these spontaneous speaking situations. And we have to remind ourselves
when we start speaking just tell the time. I know the irony that I'm
talking about concision, and I was not concise
in that answer. One of the best ways
to be concise and clear is to leverage structure. Structure is not a
listing of ideas. It's not bullet points. Structure is a logical
connection of your points. It's like a recipe or a map. Now, this sounds ironic, right? We're talking about
being spontaneous, and here I am saying structure
is the key to spontaneity. But we see this in our
life in many other facets. If you enjoy jazz
music, jazz music isn't just random playing. Jazz music follows particular
structures, chord progressions, connections of notes. So we can leverage structure
to help our communication be tighter and clearer. One of my favorite
structures of all time, because it's so useful in so
many different situations, is three simple questions. What? So what? Now what? The what is your idea,
your product, your service, your belief. The so what is why is it
important to the person or people you're talking to? And then now what
is what comes next. Maybe I'm going to show you
something, take your questions, set up another appointment. When it comes to small talk,
this is a magical tool. Imagine you're at a corporate
mixer, and you're going in, and there are people in the
company that you have not yet met. So if I'm engaging you in
conversation I can say, hey, what brings you here? That's the what. When you answer, I can say,
oh, why is that important, or why do you find
that interesting? That's the so what. And then after that, I can ask
a question like, oh, so what more are you going to do, or
what are you going to do next, or do you want to join
me and go over here? So I've got the now
what is a question. As with anything that
you're trying to learn, you have to practice it. When you read something
or listen to a podcast, pause it, stop your reading,
think what was it about, why is it important to
me, and how can I use it? By drilling it, it
becomes more natural. When we're in small
talk situations, we often initiate with
trite, very common phrases. How are you? What brings you here? What do you do? These are simple,
reflexive ways to get started, but they actually
don't take you very far. I am a big fan of initiating
through questions, but through questions
that connect to the particular context
and environment that I'm in. Just the other day, I was in
a situation for small talk. And the very first
thing I did, I came up to somebody I didn't know and
I said, this is amazing to me. There are more people in this
room wearing blue shirts than I think I've seen in a long time. And the person
said, you know what? You're right. That's really interesting. And all of a sudden
the conversation was off and running. All I did was notice
something in the environment. Initiating with something that
piques somebody's curiosity, something that might be
highlighting something that's not known or commonly
discussed in the moment, can really invite people
in versus hi, how are you? And they say, fine. Well, now I'm back
to where I started, and it's even more
awkward, right? Perhaps more challenging
than initiating small talk is getting
out of small talk. Many of us rely on biology. Oh, I'm thirsty. I'm going to go get a drink. I'm hungry, or I need
to go to the bathroom. Biology is not
necessarily the best exit for these circumstances. I love an approach I learned
from Rachel Greenwald. It's called the
white flag approach. If you know anything
about auto racing, prior to the last
lap, the final lap, they wave a white flag to
signal to all the drivers that the race is ending. As you're drawing near to
the end of the conversation either because you need to
leave, or you want to leave, or the conversation has
sort of run its course, you signal that. You say, I need to
go in a moment, but-- and this is where you
ask one last question, provide one last
bit of feedback. So you continue the conversation
on for a little bit. So it might sound
something like this. I need to get going because
there's some friends over there I need to meet. But before I go, I want
to just a little bit more about that trip you were
telling me about to Hawaii. And together, you can draw
the conversation to an end rather than you
abruptly saying, oh, I need to go to the bathroom. Or, wow, that looks like
good food over there. It's just a much
better, cleaner way to end a small
talk conversation.